Reasons vs Excuses: A Neurodivergent Truth About Explanation, Accountability, and Self-Respect
- Michele Thompson
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Why Explaining Your Brain Is Not the Same as Avoiding Responsibility
I once asked someone extremely dear to me to come to counseling so we could learn to communicate with each other. Quite frankly, I was tired of explaining my every movement and thought. Although that individual was also neurodivergent, they didn't 'hear' my request. I wanted to learn how to effectively communicate, but they thought I wanted to go to mediation.
If you are neurodivergent, you have probably been told you’re “making excuses” when you were actually telling the truth about your limits, your wiring, or your nervous system. This article will help you understand the difference — and stop shrinking yourself to satisfy a misunderstanding.
You are not broken because you explain.
You are not weak because you clarify context.
You are not dishonest because your brain has conditions for function.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason — and confusing the two has harmed a lot of honest, self-aware, neurodivergent people.
We’re going to untangle that — clearly, compassionately, and practically.
This article directly answers:
What is the difference between a reason and an excuse?
Why neurodivergent people are often accused of “making excuses.”
How ADHD and autistic explanations get misunderstood.
Whether explaining your limitations is avoidance.
How to communicate ND realities without masking.
When explanation becomes avoidance (and when it doesn’t).
How to stay accountable without self-betrayal.
How to respond when people dismiss your neurological reality.
What does “do not cast pearls before swine” mean in modern emotional terms?
“A reason explains the limit. An excuse hides behind it. Neurodivergent honesty is not avoidance — it’s self-knowledge.” -- Michele Thompson
When Truth Gets Called an Excuse
Many neurodivergent adults learn early that explanation is dangerous.
You explain why you struggled — and you’re told you’re deflecting.
You describe your executive function limits — and you’re told you’re avoiding.
You name your sensory overload — and you’re told you’re dramatic.
You cite neurological realities — and you’re told you’re making excuses.
Over time, this does something painful and quiet:
It teaches you to doubt your own self-understanding.
It teaches you to mask instead of clarify.
To compress instead of communicate.
To perform instead of being known.
For ADHD, autistic, and combined-type neurodivergent adults — especially high-functioning, high-masking, high-capacity individuals — this pattern becomes deeply internalized.
You start asking yourself:
“Am I explaining — or excusing?”
“Am I honest — or avoiding?”
“Am I self-aware — or weak?”
Let’s answer that clearly.
What Is a Reason? What Is an Excuse?
A Reason
A reason explains why something happened and identifies real constraints, causes, or conditions.
A reason:
names reality
identifies mechanism
supports learning
enables adjustment
allows accountability
invites solution
Example:
“My executive function drops after 3 hours of cognitive load. I need to restructure the schedule.”
That is a reason.
An Excuse
An excuse explains why responsibility should disappear and resists adjustment or ownership.
An excuse:
avoids change
blocks responsibility
repeats patterns
denies impact
resists adaptation
shuts down growth
Example:
“That’s just how I am — deal with it.”
That is an excuse.
Key Distinction
A reason says:
“Here is the constraint — let’s work with it.”
An excuse says:
“Here is the constraint — nothing can be done.”
Neurodivergent explanation is usually the first — but it is often heard as the second.
That misinterpretation causes enormous harm.
Why Neurodivergent Explanations Get Misread
Neurotypical communication culture is largely behavior-outcome focused.
Neurodivergent communication is often mechanism-focused.
You explain the process.
They evaluate the result.
You say:
“My sensory threshold was exceeded.”
They hear:
“I didn’t feel like trying.”
You say:
“Task initiation failed due to overload.”
They hear:
“I chose not to do it.”
You say:
“My emotional regulation collapsed.”
They hear:
“I’m not responsible.”
Different frameworks.
Different interpretations.
Different conclusions.
The Science Is Not an Excuse — It’s a Map
When a neurodivergent person explains behavior using:
executive function
sensory load
dopamine regulation
cognitive fatigue
shutdown response
hyperfocus cycles
they are not dodging responsibility — they are mapping the terrain.
Maps are not escapes.
Maps are navigation tools.
Refusing to look at the map doesn’t make the terrain disappear.
Accountability Without Self-Betrayal
Here is the mature middle path — and it matters:
You can hold accountability without denying neurological reality.
Example:
❌ Masking version:
“No problem, I’ll just try harder.”
✅ Integrated version:
“My initiation drops under overload. I will break this into smaller units and set a regulation break.”
That is accountability + reason.
Not excuse.
Not avoidance.
Not denial.
Praxis.
“Do Not Cast Your Pearls Before Swine” — A Modern Reading
This teaching is often misunderstood as an insult.
It’s actually about discernment.
In modern emotional terms, in my opinion, it means:
Don’t spend sacred truth on people committed to misunderstanding you. -- Michele Thompson
Not everyone deserves your deepest explanation.
Not everyone is equipped to receive your neurological reality.
Not everyone is acting in good faith.
Some people don’t want clarity.
They want compliance.
When explanation repeatedly meets dismissal, ridicule, or distortion — that is not a communication failure.
That is a reception failure.
You are not required to shrink your truth to fit someone else’s comfort.
Discernment is not arrogance.
It is self-respect.
How To Tell If You’re Giving a Reason or an Excuse
Ask yourself three questions:
1 — Am I naming a constraint or hiding behind it?
Constraint = reason
Hiding = excuse
2 — Am I willing to adapt around this reality?
Yes = reason
No = excuse
3 — Am I owning the impact even if I explain the cause?
Yes = reason
No = excuse
Explanation + ownership = integrity.
Explanation without ownership = excuse.
FAQ
Is explaining my ADHD or autism an excuse?
No. Explaining neurological mechanisms is not excuse-making. It becomes an excuse only if explanation replaces responsibility or adaptation. Explanation plus adjustment equals accountability.
Why do people say I’m making excuses when I’m being honest?
Many people are trained in outcome-only thinking and misread mechanism explanations as avoidance. This is a communication framework clash, not proof you’re dishonest.
Should I stop explaining myself then?
No — but be selective. Explain where there is openness. Set boundaries where there is hostility. Discernment protects energy.
Can reasons become excuses?
Yes — if reasons are repeated without adaptation or responsibility. The difference is not the explanation — it’s the follow-through.
Is masking better than explaining?
Masking may reduce conflict in the short term, but increases burnout long-term. Sustainable praxis requires accurate self-representation with appropriate boundaries.
CLOSING REFLECTION
This conversation matters because it addresses a hidden blocker to praxis in neurodivergent lives: being misread, misjudged, and self-doubting — until our action collapses into masking.
When your truth is repeatedly dismissed as an “excuse,” it becomes tempting to shrink, perform, or abandon your own self-understanding just to be accepted. But sustainable action is built on honest self-knowledge, not self-erasure. You are allowed to name your limits without losing your integrity. You are allowed to adapt without apologizing for your neurology. And you are allowed to reserve your deepest explanations for those who can receive them with respect.
Praxis doesn’t ask you to become smaller so others can stay comfortable. It asks you to move forward as you are — with clarity, discernment, and self-respect.
